Angel, Second Class
by hmonster4
Summary: Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. A wish in a moment of nostalgia changes everything for Bella Swan. Life doesn't give do overs, but every once in a while, angels do answer prayers. NMAU
1. Chapter 1

_**Prompts**_**:**__**Christmastime – U2, Last Christmas – Wham, All I Want for Christmas – Mariah Carey**

**Angel, Second Class**

**#**

Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives.

_**It's a Wonderful Life**_

**#**

The snow's coming down, I'm watching it fall, Watching the people around, Baby please come home

_**Christmastime, U2**_

**#**

**Chapter 1 - Wishes in the Snow**

There are certain milestones in your life. Points in time around which society sets great expectations. Sixteenth, eighteenth, and twenty first birthdays. High School and college graduations. Your marriage and subsequent production of children.

Monumental landmarks that should be things to marvel over, to remember forever.

Maybe for some, but not for me.

My sixteenth birthday had come and gone in the arid tundra of Phoenix. Barely a blip on the radar.

If sixteen was a blip, then eighteen had been a Technicolor moment. My world flipped on its head in a burst of scarlet, and I lost the only thing in life that meant anything.

I lost _him_.

I spent months after my birthday as a shell of a human being. When I did start to snap out of it, I became self destructive, reckless even. I rode motorcycles. I ran around with werewolves; I even took up cliff diving.

One could say I had thrill issues.

My near death from an impulsive leap off a cliff over the Pacific Ocean was more than enough to pull me out of my personally inflicted hell. While I desperately missed _him_, I slowly came to realize that there was more to my life. It didn't lessen the hurt or the longing but it did give me something to focus on. Day by agonizing day, things got a little bit better. Just a single shade brighter.

The light seeped in and black faded slowly to grey. I started to see the world around me, to form my own impressions and re-craft my desires.

So after the next momentous milestone, my high school graduation, I packed up and headed east. To a state I'd never visited and a school that, a year ago, I'd cringed even at the mere mention.

I came here, to Hanover, New Hampshire for two reasons: to start building my future, and at the same time, hold on to my last tangible tie to the past, and to _him_.

Dartmouth.

I'd been shocked when I received my acceptance letter. My grades were passable, but not anything that distinguished me from other candidates. I didn't participate in extra-curriculars like the newspaper, student council, or sports. My initial inclination had been to decline, that the acceptance was most likely an error. But that had been an excuse to hide behind. I couldn't leave Forks. What if he came back?

Yet as the weeks turned into months, I began to realize he wasn't coming back.

I could wait all I wanted, I'd still be alone in a town that held nothing for me but memories. I had no future in Forks, only a past that hurt too much to think about, yet I couldn't let go. Without the memories, I wouldn't have anything tangible left to hold on to. The photos, the music, they were all long gone. The sanctity of my memories and their empty house in the woods was all that I had left.

I hovered on the brink of indecision for two months. There were other options, ones that wouldn't take me so far away. Yet, for some strange reason, I couldn't bring myself to turn it

down.

And so, just after that great milestone that was high school graduation, I officially accepted my place in the Dartmouth Freshman Class of 2006.

After doing the math, the scholarship I'd been granted by Pacific Northwest Trust was just enough to cover the roughly fifty thousand dollars in annual tuition, room and board. The reminder was more than enough to cover living expenses and any last minute emergencies. I wouldn't have to worry about finding a job on or off campus, living on boxed macaroni and cheese, or being able to put gas in my truck.

My truck was my one extravagance. I happily paid the money to have it transported from Washington to New Hampshire. Charlie didn't understand my decision, insisting that for the money I spent, I could just as easily have bought a new car at school.

I told him it was because the truck was cool, the truck was me.

The truck was also another link to _him_. We both knew that.

While I brought with me the ties to my old life; my truck, my dog eared novels, my cheap CD player and stacks of CD's, pieces of my new life slowly began to make their way into the mix. Photos of Charlie, Renee and Phil, and Jake on his bike were soon flanked by pictures from my life in Hanover. Sitting in the hallway eating popcorn with my floor mates. Buried up to my chin in a pile of leaves with a few classmates. I'd made friends at college, something I hadn't appreciated in Forks until they faded away. Dartmouth was a second chance for me, an opportunity to learn from past mistakes. I was slowly stringing together something more than existence. And there were times when I was legitimately happy with my decision to come east.

I let the magical experience of college sweep me up and fold me in. I started to develop a fledgling social life. I went to parties. I hung out with friends. I even went on a few dates. I opened myself up to all the things that every college freshman should experience. I drank too much, and then threw up. I skipped a class or two. I kissed a few boys, all in an effort to prove to myself that I could be normal, that I could move on.

But they were never _him_, and that realization only reinforced the empty space that only he could fill. So I quit trying. I stuck to my female friends and rebuffed all invitations from the opposite sex. It probably created an aura of mystique about me, making me out to be something unattainable, ratcheting up the attention even more. Bella the unreachable. Bella the ice queen. I became a trophy, something to win. I would have found it laughable if I cared. I'd been a trophy before, coveted and desired by high school boys like the next shiny object. Regardless of their intentions, it never ended well. Better to be alone with my memories than continue to subject myself to dates with boys who could never be the man I wanted.

As much as college was a learning experience, New England was even more so. It was almost impossible not to get swept up in the idyllic, romanticized aura of Hanover in the fall. Crisp mornings with not a cloud in the sky. Bright crimson, gold, and umber leaves littered the sidewalk and reflected in the Connecticut River. They were a stark contrast to the constant brown of Phoenix and verdant green of Forks. In a way, they paralleled my own personal evolution. Desolate tundra to lush perfection to understated beauty. I was happiest in my most recent state. It allowed me to accept the flaws while enjoying the near perfection. The first two incarnations were too much of one, not enough of the other.

With the seasonal change came holidays, which yet again took on the unique depth of my surroundings. I found myself wrapped in physical representations of childhood fables, which had spun themselves out of the actual history of the region. The Salem Witch Trials. Pilgrims and Indians sitting side by side at the same table. Plymouth Rock.

As Thanksgiving approached, I found myself nostalgic for home, but it was for the people, not the physical location. Family had always been such a transitory thing for me that considering somewhere home was a foreign concept. Multiple houses, multiple bedrooms. It didn't define who I was as a person or what I wanted to be. It was just a spot on the map.

I guess it lent further credence to the old adage 'home is where you hang your hat.'

With a family situation that was far from traditional, I watched in envy as my friends planned their holidays at home. The concept of a nuclear family, parents married and in love, siblings who fought hard and supported each other even harder was such a foreign concept, something I found that I longed for it. That longing, along with the knowledge that I wouldn't find it in Forks, solidified my choice to stay in Hanover. I knew that Charlie would have liked for me to come back, but even he had his own family with Billy Black and Sue Clearwater. He didn't need me anymore to feel complete.

I used the excuse of a traditional New England Thanksgiving and the long flight across three time zones as my justification for not coming out west. I knew Charlie would be disappointed, but I promised I would call before he left for Sue's. It was enough to cheer him up.

My mother called at the last minute with some half-hearted offer to fly me to Jacksonville for the holiday. She tried to lure me with promises of warm weather, sunshine and dinner by the beach, but I begged off, using the excuse of high airfare costs and homework.

The realizations during those conversations stung. My home in Phoenix was long gone, sold and packed up. Forks wasn't home anymore either. Home had become wherever I decided to make it.

The snow started to fall around four on Thanksgiving Day as I ate dinner with a few friends who'd decided to stay on campus. By the time we wrapped up and said our goodbyes, there was half a foot of snow on the ground, and more fat fluffy flakes falling from the sky.

I declined the offers of a ride back to my dorm, choosing instead to trek across campus in my first true winter wonderland. It wasn't that I'd never seen snow before, just not in mass quantities like this. I took my time walking back, enjoying the quiet as flakes of snow caught on my eyelashes. While still not a fan of the cold, I couldn't help but be swept away by the idyllic, story book beauty of Dartmouth in the snow. It coated everything in a delicate layer of glistening white, hiding the death and decay of late fall that lurked underneath. Everything sparkled, the white crystals luminous under the warm light of the street lights.

When I reached the area known as the green, I stooped down to scoop up a huge handful of snow. The powder was dry and loose, and I tossed it in the air, my face held aloft as it gently showered back down onto me.

For a fleeting second, I thought of Emmett. Always a large child, I could have counted on him to lead the charge, barreling through the blanket of white, threatening us all with a barrage of snowballs. Alice would have hovered nearby, instructing Jasper on how to make the perfect snow man. Rosalie would have made snow angels.

I hadn't thought about them for a long time, and the ache of familiarity and longing was shocking. My months spent thinking only about _him_ had pushed everything and everyone else to the back of my mind, including the other six Cullens.

They were the closest I'd ever had to a family. _A real family_. One that fought and loved and laughed. The Ozzie and Harriet idealized nuclear family with an odd supernatural twist.

A mom, a dad, and five warring siblings. It didn't matter that they drank blood and never aged. They were a family in the truest sense of the word. And for six blissful months, I'd been blessed to be a part of their world.

I stopped in front of the giant Christmas tree that stood sentinel in front of Baker Library. The blue- green branches were wrapped with strands of small lights. Next week it would be unveiled in all its glory, the formal harbinger of the holiday season.

But for now, it was dark against the grey tinged sky, patiently waiting for its moment of glory in the sun.

I reached out to knock some snow off a branch, disturbing a cardinal who'd taken refuge in the massive branches. He shot out across the green, a brilliant spec of crimson, like blood against pale white skin. Like mine had been, shed against ivory carpet in a house surrounded with hundreds of trees like these.

Around my home. The only real home I'd ever known.

The one thing that I suddenly desperately wanted back.

Leaning my head back, I stared up at the star on top of the giant tree. It wasn't real, but it would have to work, for all the other stars were obscured by cloud cover and snow.

"Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight," I called out. My voice echoed off the buildings, an eerie reminder of how alone I truly was. "I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight."

I paused, listening to the gentle rustle of the branches, the quiet shush of the snow as it swirled around my feet.

"I'd really like my family back," I whispered to the night sky. "All seven of them. Please."

Brushing a strand of hair away from my face, I turned in the direction of Butterfield Hall. To bed, to sleep, and hopefully, to dream of better days.


	2. Chapter 2

You've been given a great gift, George:

A chance to see what the world would be like without you.

_It's a Wonderful Life_

**#**

Once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance

But you still catch my eye. Tell me baby do you recognize me? Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

_Last Christmas, WHAM!_

**#**

**Chapter Two - A Great Gift**

Until the day I die, I don't think I'll ever understand the appeal of shopping on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Not one for crowds, the concept of subjecting myself to mass chaos all for a 'good deal' made little to no sense.

So while the rest of North America set the alarms for five a.m. to catch the best deals and grab the hot gift of the season, I hunkered down for 'a long winter's nap.'

My lazy day in bed with a book was interrupted at eleven by a growling stomach. My tiny dormitory fridge was filled with studies in penicillin growth, necessitating that I venture into Hanover if I wanted to eat.

Once showered and dressed, I bundled into my parka, scarf, and boots, and locked up my dorm room. I was the only one staying in Butterfield over break, but old habits died hard. With my backpack slung over my shoulder and thoughts of hot chocolate and a scone dancing through my head, I didn't pay much attention as I left the building and started south towards the Green.

"Hello, Bella."

I was so caught up in my quest for food that hearing someone call my name caused me to jump. I lost my footing and landed flat on my backside in a snow bank.

"It's nice to see that some things haven't changed."

A pair of immaculately pressed khaki pants and sturdy brown snow boots came into my line of sight. I was about to retort when a hand extended into view, proffered in an attempt to help me out of the snow.

Ivory skin against the ebony wool of a winter coat.

My eyes immediately shot up, hoping to see the one face that had haunted my dreams for the last eighteen months. I knew it wasn't _him_, I'd know his voice anywhere, and yet the fragile wisps of a dream caught wind and floated to the surface. Only to fall lifelessly flat as the wind stilled and my realization lost flight.

The same kind, topaz eyes gazed down at me. But instead of unruly strands of brown and red, I found perfect flaxen gold.

I wanted to cry.

"It's okay, Bella. Take my hand."

I grasped his cold fingers and allowed him to pull me up. Once standing, I hovered awkwardly in a moment of indecision before throwing myself into Carlisle Cullen's arms.

In the six months that I'd known him, there wasn't much occasion to touch Carlisle. Yet I'd been incapable of stopping myself once my mind leapt to action. He was here, and he most likely wasn't alone. If I held on, he couldn't leave; he would have to give me the answers I so desperately craved.

Ever the compassionate man, Carlisle tolerated my awkward, desperate hug with grace. The likelihood of me holding on to him, of keeping him from leaving again, was entirely laughable. But I couldn't bring myself to let go. My need to hold on was too great.

"Come on, Bella. It's cold. And I can hear your stomach growling. Let's get you out of the weather and something warm in you."

He gently pried my hands from around his neck and led me towards a sleek black Mercedes I knew all too well. I'd hardly settled in when he slid into the driver's seat and buckled his seatbelt, a motion I found both ridiculous and endearing. With the engine roaring and my seat warmer on, Carlisle carefully navigated the few blocks through downtown Hanover to my favorite coffee shop. The streets were crowded with shoppers; all loaded down with their holiday packages. A Salvation Army volunteer stood on a street corner, ringing his bell and calling out holiday greetings to the passersby.

"I've always loved it here this time of year. Short of being in Europe, this is my favorite place to be for the holidays." He slowly eased his car into a spot on the street and turned off the ignition before turning to face me.

"Bella, I am sure that seeing me is a shock. I can only imagine the questions that are flying through your mind right now. But let's get you inside and warmed up first. I'll answer everything I can as soon as you're warm."

Carlisle opened my door for me and helped me navigate across the slick walkway into the coffee shop. He waited patiently at a corner table while I ordered the hot chocolate and scone I'd been longing for when I left my dormitory. I highly doubted I'd be able to eat them now.

I shed my coat and settled down at the table. My stomach gurgled, but food could wait, at least for a few minutes. It was nothing compared to the year of silence. I had questions that needed to be asked and things that needed to be said.

"Why are you here, Carlisle? Why now, after all this time? You left...all of you did. You couldn't even stop to say goodbye. You were - " The words came rolling out and I couldn't control myself, no longer capable of holding back the pain and anger at I'd harbored for over a year. They'd abandoned me, but last night, in a fit of nostalgia, I'd wished for their return. And now Carlisle was here. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

He sighed and ran his hands through his immaculate blonde hair. It was a gesture picked up after a lifetime of living with _him_. And I couldn't help but wonder if _he_ was here in New Hampshire too.

And if he was? Did I really expect him to be the one meeting me? That he would miraculously swoop down and take all the cruel words back and swear he didn't mean it?

I knew the answer, but knowledge didn't make acceptance any easier. They'd all left me. I just hadn't realized that it hurt in a different way.

"There are a number of answers to your question, Bella. I'll start with the immediate, and then I hope you'll humor me as I go a bit off track." He leaned forward, arms resting on the table as if this were the most comfortable conversation in the world. "Alice saw your request last night by the Christmas tree."

"She was there?"

"No, she _saw_ it. About a month ago. She insisted that we _had_ to be in Hanover for the holidays this year. She didn't tell us the actual reason until yesterday afternoon. By then, you'd already made your impression. No one was likely to leave you a second time. We all missed you too much."

His choice of pronouns didn't escape me. Plural. More than just Carlisle and Alice. Was _he_ here too?

"What do you mean I'd made my impression? Have you been watching me?"

I shouldn't care. He left. He didn't love me. I remembered his words like it was yesterday. He said their kind was 'easily distracted,' and would soon forget he'd ever known me. Like a child

with a new toy or a magpie going after a shiny object, he'd moved on. There would always be something new to lure him away, and knew I couldn't live through it again.

"Do you remember me telling you about my human life? About my father?"

Carlisle's abrupt change in conversation caught me off guard. We'd only spoken about his human life twice. Ironically, they were during my first and last visits to the house in Forks.

"I didn't grow up in a loving home, Bella, at least not by modern standards. I'm sure that my father cared deeply about me, but to display any type of paternal affection would have been out of sync with the teachings of his church. I didn't come to appreciate what I'd missed out on as a son until Edward entered my life."

At the mention of _his_ name, I dug my nails into my palm, the pain a tangible physical distraction to counteract the rapid beating of my heart.

"With the addition of Esme, then Rosalie and Emmett, and later Alice and Jasper, I came to appreciate how precious family can be. To have people around who love and trust each other…well, I would do anything to protect that."

I didn't speak, unable to form the proper words. And if I had, what would I say?

"Sometimes, we make decisions that feel like the right thing at the time but end up being huge mistakes. I made one a year ago." He glanced down at the mosaic pattern on the table, his fingers extending to aimlessly trace the zig zagging pattern. "Bella, what happened on your eighteenth birthday has torn my family in two. The guilt and sadness are constant reminders of what we lost. We need to make it right."

The pain in my heart, always so clear and precise, took on an odd, new ache. All I'd ever wanted to do was love _him_, and in doing so, I'd driven the Cullens from their home, causing unnecessary pain and sorrow. By fixating so much on one family member, I'd hurt them all.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, knowing my apology could never be enough to put right all the wrongs I'd caused. "I am so incredibly sorry. I wish I could say that I would take it all back. But I can't, because then I would've never -"

_Met him. Met you_. I was too selfish to give that up.

Carlisle's eyes flew up, a number of emotions I couldn't identify flickering across his handsome face.

"Bella, I'm talking about you. _You're_ what we lost." His eyes, always so compassionate and caring, reflected remorse and sadness. "We left you without a reason. We tore our family apart, assuming that we were protecting it. But leaving only made things worse for all involved."

I closed my eyes, trying to shut out the mental images that came flooding back. _Laughter._ _Sunshine. Baseball. _Little flashes that made me long for what had once been."

"What do you want from me, Carlisle?"

I wasn't going to assume anymore. I refused to put my heart out there and hope I interpreted his statements correctly. The risk of another round of rejection was too terrifying to withstand.

"Do you know what an advent clock is, Bella?"

"I'm sorry?" His sudden change in conversation once again threw me off balance.

"An advent clock? It was invented in the nineteenth century as a way to mark the twenty four days leading up to Christmas. It was the precursor to an advent calendar." Carlisle pulled a pen out of his coat pocket and jotted something down on my napkin. "It may seem strange, given what we are, but starting on the first day of December, I light a candle every day. It's a tradition, so to speak. The holidays are very important to me, and I would like for you to be a part of them this year."

He slid the napkin across the table. In elaborate scrawl were directions to an address on the outskirts of Hanover.

"I'll light the first candle at dusk. I would very much like for you to be there. Everyone would."

He stood, straightening his coat and pulling on a pair of gloves. For some reason, the process befuddled me. He was a vampire, he never got cold.

"Please come, Bella. I know a lot of things are confusing, and I hope this is a step in the right direction. It's not too late for us to set things right."

Carlisle gave me one more beatific smile and started for the door. He was halfway out when I worked up the nerve to call after him.

"Is everyone here?"

My fingers compulsively worked under the table, well out of sight. Knotting and unknotting, a nervous reaction as I waited for Carlisle's response.

"There's only one way to find out, isn't there?" The door shut behind him, the jingling of the bell ringing joyfully as the latch caught.

I sat in that coffee shop for a long time after Carlisle left, aimlessly picking at my scone. I'd come a long way from the crippling depression of the previous year, yet certain tendencies lingered. I forced myself to process, to eat, and not wallow in memories of what had been;

ironically those memories helped me fight through the swirling blackness that threatened to swallow me whole.

Yes, it scared me to think about seeing _him_. To know that he might be close by. And it hurt to realize that he hadn't sought me out. Yet at the same time, this was about more. Our first go around, I'd become fixated, consumed. It made me miss out on the big things, the important things.

And now I had a chance to get them back.

As scary as it was to think about confronting Edward…

There. I said it. I could do it again.

_Edward._

I closed my eyes for a second, fighting the dark clouds that roiled in the back of my mind. This wasn't just about him. It was about all of them. Carlisle, Alice, Emmett and Esme. Jasper and Rosalie too. I wanted _him_ back. But I wanted _them_ just as much. While I might not be able to have both, I could have the latter. The question was could I survive one in such close proximity to the attain the other?

My nineteen years of life had been a study in loneliness. Most of it self perpetuated. I'd lived with and around people, although I never truly let them in. To build ties that bind, ties that last, there had to be reciprocity.

I pulled open my backpack, digging until I found a tattered book I always carried with me. Just inside the front cover, I'd taped a note, left on the seat of my truck one cool spring day. Mr. Darcy and Edward Cullen, always within reach.

_Be safe._

That's all I'd been since the spring: safe. And it was lonely. I didn't want to be lonely anymore.

I quickly threw the book back in my bag and bundled into my parka. Outside, holiday shoppers bustled to and fro, jabbering about mundane things like holiday parties, football games, and turkey leftovers. I wandered along, taking it all in, floating on other people's dreams.

As I reached campus, the crowds fell away. Maintenance had cleared the walkways, allowing me to traverse the Green without incident. I stopped halfway across and watched as the Christmas tree branches swayed in the wind.

Today was Friday, November 24th. In one week, I'd see my family again.

The cardinal was back, peeking his head out of the giant tree. It made me smile. He'd found a home, somewhere safe and beautiful. Maybe I could too.

The remainder of my day was spent curled up in a chair, catching up on reading for class. Around six, I ordered a pizza; the company was confused when I requested that it be delivered to campus. I'm sure the delivery guy thought me pathetic, but I really didn't care.

As I climbed the two flights of stairs back to my room, I couldn't help but take in the ironies of the day. I'd hoped for so long that Edward would come back to me. And now it felt almost anticlimactic to realize he could actually be here. I was by no means 'over' him, but time and age had allowed me to develop a perspective that hadn't existed a year ago.

I would always love Edward Cullen. But I'd finally come to realize that he didn't define who I was. _I_ did. He was a piece of that puzzle, a big piece. But so were the rest of his family. And somehow, in some strange twist of fate, they had come back to me.

**#**

Another winter storm hit early the following Thursday evening, effectively shutting down campus. Snowball fights and cafeteria tray sledding were planned as classmates took advantage of the respite. A few of my floor mates invited me to the festivities, but I dodged their invitations with the justification of 'a previous arrangement.' I received looks of thinly veiled curiosity, but I didn't clarify. They didn't need to know.

With the time change, it was dark in Hanover by five in the afternoon. The directions Carlisle had given me took me out of the town of Hanover, north along the Connecticut River. Street lights were few and far between, and with the snow, I thought it wise to leave extra early. My truck was a tank, but even it had a hard time on snow covered roads.

I dressed in layers, unsure of what Carlisle had planned. A brilliant crimson scarf, knitted for me by Sue Clearwater, topped off the layers and gave the muted colors of my parka and jeans a little bit of a festive flair.

One of my floor mates was heading out as I locked up my room. We chatted about frivolous things as we descended the two flights to the building exit. I waved goodbye and started down the walk as he cut across campus towards the massive snow ball fight in progress on the Green.

A group of four freshmen girls blocked the end of the walk. Their heads were together, and they were whispering and giggling, as if entertained by something. I stepped off the walkway into the snow to cut around them. The drift was deeper than I anticipated, and I sank knee deep in the snow. A familiar, rumbling laugh boomed out as I awkwardly tried to extract myself.

I should have been surprised by his presence. But of all the Cullen 'kids,' it made sense that he would be the one to extend the olive branch first. We had no baggage to reconcile, no history, no crazy connections. We were just Emmett and Bella, and it made everything infinitely easier.

"You know, Em, you could be a gentleman and help me out here."

He leaned against the side of a dark SUV, his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans.

"Why, when I am so enjoying this?" he shot back, like this were a regular, everyday conversation and not the first time we'd spoken in over a year.

I attempted to hop over a pile of snow, catching my foot on a solid chunk and flying forward. His arms were immediately out to catch me.

"Some things never change, do they?"

I shook him off and straightened out my parka. Once I was confident that everything was in order, and my embarrassment had died down, I allowed myself to look up at him.

I knew he wouldn't look any different, but it didn't prevent me from searching. It was human nature to expect changes. But Emmett Cullen wasn't human. Any longer.

"You look amazing, Bella. College suits you." He opened the car door and extended his hand to help me up. After a moment's hesitation, I took it and awkwardly climbed up into the passenger seat. As he closed the door, Emmett mumbled something under his breath. I only caught 'on his ass.'

Our drive out of Hanover and into the country was strangely comfortable. Emmett peppered me with questions about school. He wanted to hear what classes I took and, what it was like being so far from home. In return, I asked what he'd been up to. He told me stories about wild game hunting in Africa. It made me laugh.

"I'm sorry, but I have this vision of you in jodhpurs and riding boots a la _Out of Africa_!" I teased as the vehicle rounded a corner onto what appeared to be an unpaved road.

"Please. Rose tried. I don't do puffy pants."

His banter and storytelling had been enough to distract me from our progress, and I was startled to realize that we were already at the Cullen's house.

The lane ended in a large clearing, not unlike the one in Forks. A large Victorian house, replete with gingerbread trim and a wrap around porch nestled amongst white pine and spruce trees. Gentle puffs of smoke trailed out of a brick chimney, reinforcing the idyllic setting.

"Why does it not surprise me that Esme would choose a place like this?" I mused as I studied

the house. I found myself searching the windows, looking for signs of life.

Or familiar faces.

Emmett parked the SUV and waited for me to finish my inspection.

"He's not here, Bella. He didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

There was nothing I could do but nod. I knew the likelihood of Edward being here was little to none, but I'd still hoped. Even after all this time, I couldn't help myself.

"I'm here to see the Cullens, Em. Not him." If he didn't believe me, Emmett allowed me to keep my dignity by not questioning.

Calling on every ounce of courage I possessed, I opened the door and climbed out into the cold winter air. It was a sharp contrast to the warmth of the car and helped clear my head.

"Do you know, Em, he once made fun of me-"

"Once?" Emmett cut me off.

I rolled my eyes and glanced back up at the house. "The first time he took me to the house…I was more worried about what I wore and if you'd like me, than the fact that you might make me an appetizer."

"Hate to tell you, you wouldn't even be an appetizer, kiddo. You're too small. Come on."

Emmett took my hand and led me around the side of the house. There at the back of the clearing, was a snow covered gazebo. Three familiar forms were clustered in its shelter. None of them moved. Once upon a time, the tiniest one would have come running, but now she held back, as if waiting for something.

"She's scared, Bella," Emmett whispered to me. "She's afraid you hate her."

I locked eyes with the woman who had been the closest thing I'd ever had to a sister. She stood in the center of the gazebo, huddled against Esme's side.

"She can see the future, Em. She should know."

"Maybe she's afraid to look."

"Oh Alice," I whispered. My heart hurt to think of her ever being afraid of anything. "I don't hate you."

Letting go of Emmett, I stepped forward, my hands clutched in front of me, anxiously knotting

and unknotting.

"I missed you," I called out to her. "Please, Alice. I don't hate you. It would be like hating myself."

In a flash she closed the space between us, her thin arms wrapping around my waist as her head buried against my shoulder.

"I have the most awful dorm room. Everything is drab. Industrial. You would have a field day with it," I whispered in her hair.

"Can I come and see?" Her voice was so full of doubt.

"I'd like that very much."

We held on to each other, both afraid to let go.

"Please don't leave again, Alice. Promise you won't leave me again."

Her grasp on me tightened a bit and she let out a small sigh.

"No one is going to leave you, sweet girl," Esme murmured in my ear, her arms wrapping around my shoulders from behind, enveloping both Alice and me into a hug. "Never again."

Esme kissed my cheek, then Alice's hair. It was all I could do not to cry.

"Oh hell, I need to get in on this!" Emmett boomed, wrapping his mammoth arms around all three of us and easily lifting us up off the ground.

It was just the levity that was needed, and peals of laughter echoed through the woods.

"Put them down, Emmett." A woman's high clear voice instructed from behind us. The back door of the house closed with a sharp bang, and Rosalie gracefully descended the steps as if this were any normal family outing. Emmett sighed and lowered us to the ground, disappointed that his fun was interrupted.

"Hello, Bella."

"Um, hello Rose."

She stopped next to Emmett, threading her arm through the crook of his elbow. "We ready to kick this off?"

"Yes, Rosalie," Carlisle answered from the gazebo.

Alice didn't let go, keeping her arms securely around my waist as she pulled me forward. In the center of the large structure was a simple black iron ring, supported by four sturdy wooden legs. The circumference was huge, easily three feet across, the elegant black circle studded with an indiscriminate pattern of purple and pink tapers.

"Bella, would you like to light the first candle?" Esme whispered to me.

"No! No, I couldn't! This is your tradition…" I almost said 'this belongs to your family,' but I stopped myself.

She squeezed my shoulders as Carlisle used a lighter to ignite the wick of the first candle.

"The first six candles are purple, and represent hope," Carlisle spoke quietly, almost reverently. "Hope for what is to come, hope for happiness, hope for peace."

His eyes met mine, and he smiled. "Hope for starting over and for rebirth."

We all stood quietly, watching the flame flicker as it made contact with the wax. It flared, and then sputtered for a moment, as if about to snuff itself out. Then it resumed a slow, steady, even burn.

"I love this, even if I haven't set foot in a church in seventy five years," Rosalie murmured.

"You know my thoughts on that, Rosalie," Carlisle responded. "It's not the location, it's the intent."

I found it ironic how closely Carlisle's sentiments on religion echoed mine on home. I guess in a way, they really weren't all that different.

"So what is the pattern?" I asked, still curious about the large structure and the random scattering of pink and purple.

"Six purple candles to represent hope, six purple candles to represent love, six pink candles to represent joy, and six purple candles to represent peace," Carlisle responded. "I saw it in Pennsylvania in the late nineteenth century, and always appreciated its simplicity and elegance. I found it to be a good reminder of what the season is all about."

I thought back to our conversation a year ago as he cleaned the glass out of the gash in my arm. How he'd insisted that he believed in God and had faith for their kind. I couldn't help but wonder if this was a simple way for him to hold on to that faith and to try to instill hope in his family.

We stayed outside in the snow as long as I could tolerate. Alice wanted me to come inside, but I wasn't quite ready to make that step just yet. _Soon enough_, I promised myself.

As things began to wind down, I pulled Carlisle to the side.

"Where's Jasper? Is he not here?"

Carlisle's smile was patient and full of understanding.

"Bella, you saw how worried Alice was. Jasper is no different."

I'd failed to take into consideration how this would affect him. The emotional turmoil of his family members as they waited; having a human close by, the temptation of my blood. And no doubt the guilt from our last time together. I mentally chastised myself for not thinking about how my presence would impact him.

"Don't worry, you're safe." Carlisle amended, misinterpreting my silence.

"I'm not afraid of him, Carlisle. I know he wouldn't hurt me intentionally. Not then, not ever."

I glanced up at the house, and the lights burning inside.

"Is he in there?"

"Yes." The door creaked open, and Jasper stepped out onto the porch. The warm light from the house backlit him, creating a slight halo effect to his already golden perfection.

I stepped forward, then paused, thinking through my actions. I wanted to make things right.

"Is it okay if I come closer?"

He nodded slowly, his hands never leaving his pockets.

I climbed the steps to the porch and stopped two feet in front of him. Just like Emmett, he didn't look any different. I wanted to reach out and take his hand, but I was afraid of doing anything that would make him uncomfortable.

We stood across from each other for a long time, neither one of us speaking. I tried to focus on my feelings at the gazebo. The happiness and the sense of peace. The hope I felt listening to Carlisle speak. The absolute elation of seeing Alice again.

The love that I had for all of them. And the joy that I felt when they were with me.

"Thank you," Jasper whispered, his face alight with relief. He understood. It would take time for us. It wouldn't be an easy bridge to repair. But we both wanted it, and we would get there.

I smiled at him, and then turned to make my way back down the steps. Emmett was waiting for me in the car.

Halfway across the clearing, I turned to look into the trees behind the house. Against the dark blue of the winter sky, they were black silhouettes. Silent sentinels, standing watch for any intruders.

"Thank you," I whispered into the night air. "Thank you for letting them coming back to me. I know that they wouldn't be here if you fought it, regardless of what Carlisle said. I missed them. I miss you."

And with that, I crossed the clearing and climbed into the car.

Our drive back to town was uneventful. Emmett picked up on my mood and flipped the radio on, staying silent as we listened. Strains of Christmas music filled the car. A man, pleading for the return of his loved one. It was a song of longing and hope. Somehow, it felt strangely appropriate.

When we reached Butterfield, I gave Emmett a quick kiss on the cheek and insisted that I could drive myself out next time. Esme had invited to return next Friday to help decorate the Christmas tree. I wanted my return to be on my terms, to show that I was truly in control. That this was my decision, and what I really wanted.

The dorm was quiet; most people were probably out for the evening, given that it had stopped snowing. I quickly changed into my pajamas and brushed my teeth, ready to curl up in bed and dissect the day.

As I entered my room, a motion outside caught my eye. I hurried to the window and forced open the old swollen casing.

A single purple votive in a small glass lantern flickered on the sill.

Purple represented hope. Hope for what is to come, hope for happiness, hope for peace.

I looked out into the night sky.

"Thank you, Edward," I whispered. I closed the window, crawled into bed, and fell asleep while the candle flickered on.


	3. Chapter 3

**#**

Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence! Get me back! Get me back, I don't care what happens to me!

Get me back to my wife and kids! Help me Clarence, please! Please! I wanna live again. I wanna live again.

Please, God, let me live again.

_It's a Wonderful Life_

**#**

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes, I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice, My God I thought you were someone to rely on, Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on, A face on a lover with a fire in his heart, a man undercover but you tore me apart

_Last Christmas, WHAM!_

**#**

**Chapter Three - ZuZu's Petals**

I thought a week of not seeing the Cullens would drag by.

That would assume they stayed away, which they most certainly did not. Whether it was a daytime visit, or a new candle burning on my sill each night, they were constantly present. If not in body, then in my dreams, or on my mind.

Alice was the first one to show up, knocking impatiently on my dorm room door Sunday afternoon to demand an official tour of my new home.

Monday afternoon it was Esme's turn, and she kidnapped me for 'tea.' While I sipped my hot chocolate, she regaled me with stories about finding and refurbishing the house and the history of the area. With a porcelain coffee mug cradled securely in her hands, she looked like any other college student taking an afternoon breather.

Alice was back on Tuesday, this time with Emmett and Jasper. We walked down to the river where they told me stories of their time on campus. I never realized that, short of Jasper, all of the Cullens had graduated from Dartmouth by the mid sixties. Even Esme.

Wednesday afternoon was Carlisle's turn. I found him waiting for me outside of my dorm after my Comparative Lit Class. While the Cullens had reintegrated into my life seamlessly, Carlisle's presence kept me on edge.

I waved as I cut across the courtyard. He smiled in response, but I could tell something was on his mind.

"I can't stay long, Bella. I am headed in to the hospital. I just wanted to speak with you, if you

can spare a moment."

"Sure. I was just going upstairs to study. Would you like to come in out of the cold?"

His eyebrows immediately shot up with a questioning look. I was so used to my human friends that I forgot that cold didn't bother them.

"I'm sorry, old habits die hard."

"That's alright," Carlisle frowned slightly before continuing. "Listen, Bella, I feel like we are all dancing around a topic, and I don't know how to bring it up-"

"You mean Edward." I cut him off, my voice devoid of emotion. It came out flat. Lifeless.

"Yes, Edward. I know it may be hard for you to talk about him, but he's-"

"Someone's been leaving an advent candle outside my dorm room window every night. I assume it's him."

Carlisle's frown deepened. "I see. Well then, I guess that negates the need for this conversation. You obviously know that he's here in New Hampshire."

"Actually, Carlisle, it doesn't." I wanted answers. I needed answers. Even if they might hurt. "Is he staying away from your family because of me?"

"Bella, it's not my place to interfere in your relationship."

"There is no _relationship_, Carlisle," I retorted with a dry laugh. "He made that abundantly clear before you left. It took me a long time to come to peace with it, but I have. And now there is an opportunity to have the rest of you in my life. If I have to co-exist with him to do so, I can accomplish that."

"Does _he_ know that?"

I laughed in disbelief. _Did he know?_ One would presume I'd had contact with him in order to have the conversation.

"Bella, do you really think he isn't close by, on the off chance you needed or wanted to talk to him? All you have to do is call."

His admission shocked me. I didn't know how to respond or what to think.

"Bella, you have a history together, and there are some things I believe have been left unsaid. You might be surprised to realize that Edward's decision to leave wasn't as clear cut as you

might think."

He fidgeted with his gloves, as if trying to buy time and fit in with the overly active crowd around us. "I very much want all of my family together and happy this year. And for that to happen, you two need to come to some sort of understanding. It seems that, while chronologically younger, you are the more mature of the two, therefore I am hoping to convince you to break the ice. You don't have to answer now. Just think about it."

He bade me goodbye, and made his way across the courtyard towards his car.

"Thank you, Carlisle," I called after him. The entire conversation had me confused and all turned around. I could only imagine that it was just as awkward and uncomfortable for him.

I skipped dinner that night, choosing instead to curl up in my room with a mug of soup. Finals loomed on the horizon. Thursday I had my last two classes, leaving me Friday and the weekend to prepare for finals. I'd done surprisingly well up to this point, and I felt prepared, but some last minute cramming wouldn't be a bad thing.

Try as I might, I couldn't push Carlisle's words from my mind. His inference was clear. Edward hadn't told me the truth. Did he still have feelings for me? I wanted to find solace in the thought, but couldn't. The more I delved into it, the more I realized I'd known it all along. The cut had been too surgical, his words to precise. It hadn't made any sense, but I'd accepted instead of dissecting. And now I wanted to know why.

Somewhere around midnight, I glanced up from my notebook to see the soft yellow glow of a candle flickering in the window.

Putting down the binder, I rolled my desk chair to the window and slowly slid the casing up. The pool of wax below the flame had just started to form, indicating that it hadn't been burning for long. I braced my hands on the sill to lean out my window. The courtyard below was empty, bathed in warm light cast from street lights and the windows of other dorms in the complex.

How many nights had I sat like this? Waiting at the window of my father's house, hoping that a familiar shape would step out of the woods and take back everything he'd said about not wanting me anymore. I'd left my window cracked open for months, a silent invitation.

_Please come back_.

After months of waiting, I'd finally given up. He wasn't coming back. I'd closed the window, and left it that way.

But then I recalled Carlisle's words. _All you have to do is call_. Maybe it really was that simple. I'd

waited, but I'd never called. What if that's all it really took?

"Are you out there?" I whispered. If he was nearby, he'd hear me.

The courtyard was silent; everyone long since in bed or safely out of the cold.

"I don't know if you can hear me or not. Carlisle said you would come if I called. I'm not sure if I believe that's true." I flicked snow off the sill, a way to keep my hands busy as I rambled. "I don't want you to stay away. It's not fair. It's your home too. It doesn't matter how you feel about me. I can-"

I broke off before I spoke a falsehood. It wouldn't be honest to say that I could respect his decision. I didn't. I never would. But I couldn't change his mind, and therefore, we could never go back.

I also knew that Carlisle was right. There were things that needed to be said. I'd spent so much time dealing with the pain and betrayal of his abrupt abandonment. I owed it to myself to find some closure. Speak my mind and move on.

"They're your family, but they're mine too. I can't do anything about you leaving, and I can't make you come back to me. I don't believe that you don't love me, but I've decided to live with your decision, even though I don't accept how you threw me away so easily. Regardless of what exists between us, the others want me in their lives, and I want that too. For that to happen, you and I need to let go of the past. It's time to move on."

I rolled my chair back to grab a blanket off my bed. With it safely wrapped around my shoulders, I pulled myself back to the window. I was getting cold, and I had a feeling I was going to be here for a while.

"That day you left, I told you that my soul was yours. I meant that. I think it always will be. But I lied when I told you that you were the very best part of my life. You weren't. Simply the most vibrant. I understand now that _I_ am the very best part of my life, and that you and your family, you're all wonderful accessories that make _me_ better. As much as it hurt losing you, I finally came to realize that when I was with you, I lost sight of who I was. I don't know if I ever really knew in the first place, but I do now. And I think I like who I am."

"I always liked who you are, Bella. You're like no one I've ever known."

His voice echoed across the courtyard, a beautiful, disembodied declaration I'd spent months wishing for. And now that he was finally here, it all fell horribly short. I wanted more. I deserved more.

"But it wasn't enough to make you stay, Edward. It wasn't enough to keep you with me." The words hurt to say, but they were honest. They were true. "I don't accept that you didn't love

me. I did then, and it hurt like hell. You might not love me the way that I want you to, but you _do _still love me. All of you do. If you didn't you wouldn't have come back to me. You wouldn'tbe here now."

Edward didn't answer. I didn't expect him to either.

"For so long I was devastated. I took crazy risks because I convinced myself I could _hear_ you. I actually believed that if I did something really nuts, you'd show up and save me. But you never did. In the end, it took me saving myself to end the cycle. _I_ pulled myself together. _I_ am the one that graduated, the one that moved on. And you know what I realized, Edward? You were right, but you were wrong too. I did need a clean break. It didn't change my feelings for you, but it did help me understand them better. Understand myself better too."

"Bella, you have to know-"

"No, I don't have to know anything when it comes to you." My words were coming easier now, as if bubbling up from some deep hidden source. "You were my first love, and as melodramatic as it sounds, you broke my heart. I want so much to be able to hate you, but I can't. It's just not possible. There is a tie between us that can't be broken. It's why I can't hate you, and why you can't stay away. We both lied to ourselves, Edward. I am tired of it, and I want it to stop. No more."

I glanced over at my clock. It read 12:30.

"I have class early tomorrow. I need to get some sleep." I folded my arms to rest against the window sill. "I'll be at the house on Friday afternoon again, and I don't want things to be weird. I don't want you to stay away. My feelings for you haven't changed. I don't think they ever will. But I am not willing to lose people I love again. That means you and I have to figure out a way to co-exist. I need them as much as I want you."

Words I expected to hurt so much felt natural now, and a sense of relief flooded through me. I'd done it, I'd spoken my piece, and I'd survived. I didn't have to hide away anymore. I could weather the storm.

"So in the spirit of the season, I forgive you for lying to me, for leaving me, and for breaking my heart. You came back, Edward. That's what matters, not the context of why." I stood to pull the window closed. "Thank you for my candles. I know that this probably isn't easy for you, and I appreciate that."

"Bella, wait."

He stepped forward into a pool of light cast off from one of the walkway lights.

The shock of actually seeing him kept me rooted in place. I found myself afraid to speak or

move, for fear that I'd ruin the illusion and he'd disappear.

Edward stared up at me, his brow slightly furrowed. The distortion of his features didn't lessen the impact. He was still as breathtaking as the first time I'd laid eyes on him. But the intensity of his physical allure was tempered by the look of absolute shame and remorse on his face.

"I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I am not as selfless as you are. I'll take it happily." His gaze never wavered. "I wanted to believe that I did the right thing leaving you and taking them with me. We both know how well that turned out. For all of us. I want to make things right."

"How do you propose to do that, Edward? We can't go back and change things. It doesn't work that way."

"No, we can't change things, but we can move forward. Find a way to start anew." His frown slowly softened into a smile. "Do you have any holiday traditions?"

His abrupt change of subject made no sense, and threw me off balance. It had always been that way with us, and I was unnerved at how quickly we slipped back into a pattern. "I'm sorry?"

"Do you have any holiday traditions? Special things that you do every year?"

"None that I can think of. Why?"

Edward's smile grew as he stepped back out of the light. "You'll understand on Friday. Sleep well."

And with that he was gone.

I stared out at the courtyard for a few minutes longer, replaying our conversation. It felt almost anticlimactic. But we'd made progress. We had a civilized conversation where I didn't fall apart. And it didn't sound like he was going to stay away any longer.

The end of our exchange confused me, though. I'd spoken my mind and Edward had taken it all in stride. But somewhere in the course of it, he flipped things on me. Instead of closure, he had me thinking about the future, about what could be.

As I crawled into bed, I found myself thinking about Friday. We were going to decorate the tree. A real tree. Not the aluminum abomination that Renee and I had when I was a child.

I'd always wanted a real tree. The smell of the pine needles, a fire crackling in the hearth and Christmas carols playing as we strung lights and hung ornaments. Maybe after we would all stretch out and watch _It's a Wonderful Life_. It wasn't an original wish. But for some reason, it was the type of tradition I wanted for myself. The type of tradition I'd never had.

Once upon a time, it would have been a girl and a boy living out that dream. But now others rounded out the mental picture. The scene was filled with happiness, laughter. And love.

**#**

"It's like déjà vu all over again!" Emmett shouted as he loped down the steps of the porch. "I could hear you coming a mile away!"

"Stop it, Yogi Berra, you could not!" I slammed the truck door shut behind me.

"Okay, half a mile. Still, I can't believe you have that eyesore!"

"She's not an eyesore; she's a classic!"

I don't know what possessed me, but I ducked down to grab a handful of snow, crushing it in the palm of my mittens. Just as I lobbed my snowball, another flew over my shoulder, hitting Emmett square in the chest.

"You are so going down!" He roared as he darted into the yard, scooping up handfuls of snow.

"Come on, Bella!" Alice called from the tree line. I spun and ran in the direction of her voice as a barrage of snowballs flew over the top of me, providing air cover as I ran for the woods.

She, Jasper and Rosalie were huddled behind a massive fallen tree. Piles of pre-made snowballs littered the ground at Jasper's feet.

"Was I predictable, or did you see this?" I teased as I dove for safety.

"Just stay down, okay? It's probably going to get ugly fast," Rosalie instructed as she watched Jasper. "Master strategist here has been planning this for weeks."

Alice, Rosalie and I stayed huddled behind the tree, giggling as Jasper and Emmett hurled snowballs at each other. Jasper played him perfectly, luring Emmett in just close enough to pepper him with a rapid fire assault.

We were all so busy laughing that we were totally taken off guard by a massive deluge of snow from above. Alice and I both squealed in laughter as Rosalie cursed, shaking the snow out of her hair.

"Damn you, Edward! You know I hate that!"

I looked up. Crouched on a branch nearly twenty feet above us, Edward grinned triumphantly.

"And you thought you had the master strategist," Emmett called.

"No fair using the mind reader!" Rosalie chastised Emmett as she brushed snow off her clothes.

"No fair using the psychic!" Emmett shot back.

Another barrage of snow hit us from above as Edward shook the tree.

"Enough!" Alice shrieked with her arms covering her head.

"You're a wimp, Alice!" I grabbed a handful of snow and tossed it in her direction. It set off another attack, albeit less organized than the previous one. Loose snow flew in all directions, coating everyone in a fine layer of white.

Emmett leaned in towards Rosalie and shook his head, sending snow flying. She squealed and pulled away.

I had a momentary flash of a similar gesture, eighteen months ago in the Forks High School cafeteria. I glanced away, uncomfortable. Edward chose that moment to jump down from the tree, disrupting Emmett's attack on Rosalie.

"While it's always entertaining to listening to the rocks rattle around in your head, I think someone's getting cold. Besides, I'm sure Esme is anxious to get started."

Alice extended a hand to me, a content smile lighting up her face. "Come on, I'll find some dry clothes so you aren't miserable."

"No, Alice, really, I'm fine." I was suddenly incredibly self conscious, although uncomfortable and cold.

"You aren't going to be worth anything in wet denim. Now come on."

She led me towards the house as shouts and laughter erupted from behind us. It sounded like Jasper had caught Emmett off guard, shoving a handful of snow down his back.

I glanced back over my shoulder, curious to see why a vampire who couldn't get cold was complaining about snow down his shirt.

Edward stood at the edge of woods, one hand resting against the trunk of a birch tree. I half expected to find him frowning, yet the moment our eyes met he gave me the faintest hint of a smile.

"He's happy you're here. You know that, don't you?" Alice whispered in my ear. "Probably

more than any of us."

"We talked a little the other night." I wasn't sure why I felt the need to explain. "Well, I talked. It doesn't change anything…"

Alice squeezed my hand. "Don't be so sure about that, Bella. The important thing never changed, just his resolve in how to handle it. But things are different now. I know they are. Come on, let's get you into something dry."

The inside of the house was just as immaculate as the house in Forks. Simple, clean lines, light, bright colors, and beautiful art gave each room a comfortable, welcoming feel. Alice led me up the stairs to the second floor.

"There's the bathroom. I'll dig up something for you."

"My T-shirt is okay, Alice. Maybe just something to replace my jeans? And a pair of dry socks. My feet are freezing."

As she left me alone, I peeled off my wet clothes and draped them over the edge of a claw foot tub. I ran some water over my hands, willing my fingers to defrost. As I waited, I glanced up at my reflection. My cheeks were rosy from cold and exertion. My hair was windblown and wild. I looked healthy and happy. The perfect teenage girl.

"Here you go!" The door cracked open, and Alice passed a pile through the door. "Bring your clothes down and we'll throw them in the dryer."

"You own a dryer? I thought you never wore anything twice."

She laughed, called me a drama queen, and left me to dress in peace.

I quickly changed clothes and made my way back downstairs, warm and comfortable in a pair of flannel lounge pants, a zip front sweatshirt and the softest pair of socks I'd ever worn. I followed voices to the back of the first floor, into what appeared to be an addition to the original house. Large and open, the cathedral ceiling allowed for what had to be the largest Christmas tree I'd ever seen indoors.

Esme sat on the floor in front of the tree, sorting through a large box. Alice was curled into a ball on the couch, a large bowl of popcorn resting on the cushion next to her.

"If you are going to decorate the tree with us, you have to pull your own weight," she called out to me. "Your stash is over there."

She inclined her head to a large bowl of cranberries that waited for me in a leather library chair.

"What am I supposed to do with that?"

"What do you think, silly? String them," Esme teased. "When I was little, we always strung popcorn and cranberries for the tree. It's my own little way of keeping some of my childhood traditions alive. We all have, to some degree."

I glanced around the room. It was all so…normal. Decorations, traditions. It really wasn't any different than any other family. They had their traditions they carried through, kept alive.

"If your tradition is stringing cranberries and popcorn, what about the others'?"

She smiled and reached into the box to extract something wrapped in tissue paper.

"Emmett always cuts down the tree. He'll go up into the mountains and search for days until he finds the perfect one. Rosalie always goes ice skating on Christmas Eve. And Carlisle…" She peeled back the layers of tissue to reveal a beautiful bisque china ornament, "has his angels and his advent clock."

There was no mention of Alice, Jasper, and Edward. In Alice's case it made sense, she had little to no recollection of her human life. And I guess if I thought about it, Jasper's human life had ended before the commercial nature of Christmas had really taken off. There probably wasn't much in the way of tradition for him to carry forward.

Picking up the bowl of cranberries, I moved to sit by the fire. The crackle and hiss of wood burning was the only sound that filled the room as Esme and Alice focused on their tasks.

"You sure trusting me with a sharp instrument is a good idea?" I asked as I picked up the needle.

"It's a child's needle, Bella. You couldn't puncture yourself with it if you tried," Alice shot back. I stuck my tongue out at her. She returned the gesture.

We spent the afternoon just like that, stringing garland and unpacking ornaments. Rosalie flitted in and out of the room, carrying with her box after box of decorations.

As the light began to fade, the rest of the family began to trickle in. Jasper took up residence on the couch next to Alice, his arm thrown casually behind her. Emmett sat on the floor by the tree, assembling tracks for a toy train. Carlisle watched over Esme's shoulder as she unpacked the last of his porcelain ornaments.

The whole scene was surreal. It was like something out of a movie. Beautiful people creating the perfect Christmas scene. And only one person in the room was human.

"Bella," Esme called out to me, "there is a box in the living room, on the coffee table. Could you

go get it for me?"

I glanced up, curious why she didn't ask Alice or Rose.

"Front of the house, first room on the right," she encouraged.

No one acknowledged me as I stood, weaving around boxes and strings of garland. I followed the hallway to the front of the house, turning right through an archway.

Two large sofas occupied the center of the room. A baby grand sat in the far corner. I moved slowly around the couches, reaching out to trail my hand along the top of the piano. The top was closed and the bench pushed in. It looked like a show piece, not something that was played often or loved.

I gently depressed a key, smiling at the delicate chime as a solitary note filled the room.

"It hasn't been played for a long time. It's probably out of tune."

Edward leaned against the doorway. His hands were casually stuffed in his pockets of his jeans.

"Why don't you have a tradition, Edward?" I spit out the question before I could stop myself. I had to know.

"I'm sorry?"

"When Esme was talking about how they observe holiday traditions, she didn't mention you. Don't you have one?"

Edward stepped forward into the room, his eyes fixed intently on my face.

"No. I prefer not to think about my life before." He was closer now, his fingers following the same path along the top of the piano. "What about you? Why don't you have any?"

"Renee didn't do traditions."

He stood at the corner now, just a few feet away. My heart slammed against my chest, and I could feel the heat in my cheeks. Having him so close was just as unnerving as it ever was.

"Do you miss your parents?" Edward asked quietly.

"I don't know. In a way, sure. But I don't really fit in their lives anymore. I don't really fit anywhere."

I glanced away, embarrassed at my admission. I hadn't intended to disclose to him just how

empty my life had become. It wasn't that I didn't have friends, or that I wasn't happy. But I didn't have what the Cullens did. I never had.

"You fit here. Can't you see that? How happy you make everyone?" Edward pulled out the bench and sat down. "Even Rosalie, although I doubt she'd ever admit it."

He gently depressed a few keys; his head cocked as he listened to the notes fade away.

"I haven't played since I left Forks."

"Why?" I stood at the far side of the piano, my fingers tapping nervously on the lid.

He smiled sadly, his hands moving slowly over the keys. A melody slowly started to form, sweet and simple.

"Do you have a favorite Christmas carol?" The melody shifted, heavier now. "Something that you hear, and it makes everything feel right?"

"It's not really a Christmas carol, but I always liked the Nutcracker."

The music shifted yet again, the strains of the Overture filling the room: innocent, light and full of promise. He continued to play, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Do you know the different character songs, from when they're at court?" I asked as the music he played trailed to a close. I didn't want the moment to end, and the only way I could think of to keep it alive was to request more.

He shifted seamlessly, the light plinking of the keys perfectly mimicking the chiming of the Chinese dance.

"Can you do the Russian one?" I requested as he led into the close. The music evolved yet again, fast, frantic and happy.

"We went to see the ballet when I was little. This and the lady with the big skirt were my favorites. I used to beg to go back, to see the fat lady with the children in her skirts, but Renee thought it was boring."

"She's called _The Polchinelle_. Alice likes her," Edward corrected me as he gracefully wound down the song.

"Vince Gauraldi." I called out on a whim. It was childish request, but I didn't want our time together to end. If I could simply keep thinking of songs and keep him playing, maybe I could extend this time together a bit longer.

I was playing a dangerous game of chess with my emotions, my heart the Queen to be won. I'd

lost it once, and the thought of heading back into that dismal dark hole was petrifying. Yet there was a slim chance that my risk might pay off. I might actually win.

Edward's smile grew and he shook his head as the strains of _Linus and Lucy_ filled the room.

"Why does it not surprise me you would know that?" His playing relaxed me, allowed me to ease into the conversation. Such innocent, light happy music made it almost possible to believe that the last year had never happened.

Almost.

"Will you sit with me?" he asked, his eyes focused on the keys. "I can keep playing if you'd like. I know all of this music."

He finished _Linus and Lucy_ and moved on to the ice skating song. His fingers dancing gracefully across the keys, the jazz music an odd contrast to the nineteenth century furniture and brocade curtains. And, truth be told, to him.

I hesitantly sat down on the bench, keeping as much distance as possible between us while Edward continued to play. I closed my eyes, shutting him out so that I could focus on the notes as they rose and fell.

"Did you mean what you said the other night, about not being able to hate me?" he asked quietly. The music didn't stop, didn't falter.

"Yes," I answered without hesitation. "It doesn't mean I've forgotten. I can't. But I don't hate you. It would be like hating myself."

I kept my eyes closed, feeling stronger without any visual stimulus.

"What do you want, Edward? Your questions are never random. I'd rather you just be straight with me. Pardon the euphemism, but once bitten, twice shy."

He laughed, the music continuing flawlessly as he spoke, "So much irony in that statement."

"It's all I wanted. Even with the perspective of time, I would probably still answer the same way. You can deny me, tell me you don't want me, but this is where I belong. I am a Cullen, just not in the way I would have expected once upon a time."

The music took on a brooding tone, sadness peppering the typically happy notes.

"You'd so willingly give up your life, your soul, to stay here?"

"Edward, this is the only place I've ever felt like I belonged. Everything else is just a half life. I'm sorry if you don't love me in a romantic way. I can't make you." A knot grew in my throat, but I pushed past it. "This is the only place that I've always felt loved, and it wasn't just by you. It was everyone. I want that. I need it."

The music stopped abruptly, and I felt the icy cold touch of his hand as it trailed along the side of my face. It was so like our once upon a time that I ached at the familiarity. I didn't have the courage to open my eyes, too afraid of what I might, or might not, see.

"I've done so many deplorable things in this life, Bella. I've killed people. I've manipulated, I've lied. And I hate so many things I've done, but most of all, I hate what I've done to you."

He gently scooted back the piano bench and stood.

"I need to show you something if we are going to have this conversation. Can I take you somewhere?"

All my attempts at staying strong and holding my reserve were useless. All he ever had to do was ask and I would follow.

"Yes, Edward." I stood; ready to chase him to the end of the earth if I had to.

But it was unnecessary, for in a flash, he had me wrapped in blanket and cradled securely against his chest. He walked slowly out the front door and around the house, to the gazebo in the backyard. He sat me gently down in one of the Adirondack chairs and then pulled a lighter out of his pocket.

"Are you warm enough?"

"Yes. I'm fine." I glanced at the wrought iron circle. "I thought the advent clock was Carlisle's thing."

"It is. But I asked if I could light tonight's candle. With you."

Edward slowly worked his way around the iron ring, lighting candles from previous nights. "The first six candles are for hope. I'd all but given up on it until I followed you back to campus on Thanksgiving."

"You were there?" My hand flew to my mouth in shock. "Why didn't you say something?"

"You looked so happy and carefree. It was so beautiful to watch. I'd convinced myself that you were at a good place, and seeing you reinforced that. You didn't need me." He paused before lighting the sixth candle, "And then you wished for us back. All of us."

Edward met my gaze, his eyes filled with sadness and regret. "I pushed you away in a flawed attempt to protect you, and the effects were devastating for everyone. I thought I was doing the right thing for you, and I convinced my family of that. But all I did was hurt the people I love."

"Edward, I-"

He cut me off, refusing to be swayed.

"The first six candles represent hope. The second six represent love. Carlisle and Esme always light the first one together. That was last night." He flicked the lighter, igniting the next two candles. "We each light our own after that. There is one for Emmett and Rose, one for Alice and Jasper, and one for me." He stood next to me now, his motions were so fluid, so fast, I wasn't prepared to have him so close to me.

"And now, one for you." His hand was on my face again, his finger trailing slowly down my cheek. "I am so sorry for so many things, Bella. I wish I could say that I would take it all back, but I don't want to diminish what you've become. I hate that I was the cause of so much pain, but I am also so incredibly in awe of you. You took my lies and my abandonment and turned them around, fought them. You've become so strong, and you have such a big heart. That you can still love my family after all that we…that I put you through…"

I moved without thinking, brushing his hair back away from his forehead, then flattening my hand against his cheek. He didn't move for a moment, and I instinctively started to withdraw.

But Edward surprised me, moving his head so that he could kiss my palm. His lips were cold and incredibly familiar against my skin.

"I have no right to ask. I am selfish, and I've hurt you. But my life means nothing without you, Bella. It's shallow and worthless. All the magic, all the light disappeared when I tried to leave you. Wanting you in my life is like playing with fire. There will always be a risk. But I am too damn selfish not to take it. I am nothing without you."

"No, you are someone," I insisted, irritated at his naïve declaration. "You may not like the emptiness, but you survive, you go on. You are a fighter, or neither of us would be here today. If we were truly nothing without each other, than we would have ceased to exist a long time ago."

I broke off, trying to find words to express my swirling thoughts.

"Edward, when we were together we burnt this brilliant path across the sky. That type of burn can't be sustained. What happened was inevitable. But we have a chance now to start over, to try again. We can figure this out; we have the rest of our lives to do that."

"There won't always-"

"Stop. I won't have that conversation. Not tonight." He bowed his head, his hair falling back down over his forehead and hiding his eyes from my scrutiny. "Edward, I want to live in this moment for just a little bit longer. We can deal with the future later. There is always tomorrow."

The future. All it took was that simple, solitary statement to break down my last bit of resolve. Any lingering anger or resentment I'd harbored dissolved. Forcing my anger on him would have meant denying myself, denying what he was to me. While Edward thought I was noble, I was anything but. I needed him too much. My life had been empty too.

I let my fingers trace the planes of his face, recalling that spring day long ago, when I'd done the same thing in the meadow. I'd given up hope that I would ever be able to do something so simple again, and I relished the feel of his cold skin.

"You lied to me; you told me you didn't want me. I was just too stubborn to believe it, or accept it. And I'm too stubborn not to fight. It doesn't mean that it didn't hurt, but we have an opportunity to repair the damage. It won't be overnight, but I want to try. I want to believe that we can be something again, Edward. I need to believe it."

I moved my fingers to his forehead, trying to smooth the creases that furrowed just above his eyebrows.

"May I try something? Please?" He whispered.

"Yes."

"Close your eyes, please, Bella. Trust me. I know it's a lot to ask, but please, trust me."

Following his instructions I closed my eyes. With the absence of sight, my other senses were heightened, just like they'd been at the piano. I could hear his breathing and the faint rustle of the wind in the trees.

When his lips made contact with my forehead, I wanted to lean in to him, to keep him close. To hold on and never let go. But I was too scared to move, afraid that if I did, and he pulled back, all the progress I'd made would be lost. I couldn't lose that. I wouldn't.

"If you are amenable to it, I'd like to think that we created our own tradition tonight. I'm not much of one for decorating trees, but I could play Christmas music all night long if you sat there with me. Can that be something that we can share in the future, you and me?"

I could feel his cool breath against my cheek now. His lips were cool and soothing against my burning skin.

"I don't want a tradition alone, Bella. I want something with you. Something that will last. I am tired of living without you. I made mistakes; I understand that now. But you can help me fix them. You can make us whole again."

His words cut right through me, ripping open wounds that had long since formed over. The pain was there, but it wasn't as sharp as before. And it was wrapped in something new, in something tangible. Hope.

"Bella, I won't leave you again. I can't. Please let me stay."

Edward leaned his forehead against mine, his nose brushing across my cheek.

"I love you. I always have. It's all I can ever do."

His lips brushed across mine, feather light. It was almost like he'd never left.

But it was better because I knew this time he meant it.

He was never going to leave again.


	4. Chapter 4

Hello, Bedford Falls! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, movie house!

Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan! Hey! Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!

Happy New Year to you — in jail. Go on home — they're waiting for you!

_It's a Wonderful Life_

**#**

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas, This is all I'm asking for, I just want to see my baby, Standing right outside my door, Oh I just want you for my own, More than you could ever know, Make my wish come true, Baby all I want for Christmas is...You

_All I Want for Christmas – Mariah Carey_

**#**

**Chapter Three - Attaboy, Clarence**

Life continued on, and as much as we would all like to wrap ourselves in the fantasy world of Christmas and love, reality has a way of popping the proverbial bubble.

While I would have loved nothing more than to lose myself in Edward, the Cullens, and the wonderland of their home at Christmastime, I couldn't allow myself to get lost that way. Falling back into old patterns would mean I didn't really learn anything after all, and I refused to accept that as truth. We needed to go slow this time, do things right.

I wanted this time to last.

That meant keeping my focus on the real world. Finals would not go away, nor would any of my other commitments. I needed to find a balance of me and him, of me and them, and I needed to stick firm to that resolve. This was all well and good, except when that one thing you are trying to moderate is greater than any temptation known to man. Or woman.

Edward insisted on following me back to my dorm that Friday evening, unwilling to accept that after all that time, my truck was capable and reliable. Some things would never change. He was ready to follow me into Butterfield, up the flights of stairs to my dorm room, when I stopped him with a firm denail.

My refusal took Edward by surprise. It put him off at first, and he took my independence as

rejection.

"I can help you prepare for finals, Bella. I helped you study in the past," he insisted, trying to break my resolve. There were only a few inches between us, and it was all I could do to stick to my guns.

"No. I am doing this my way. Give me until Thursday. It's only a few days. Not forever."

His eyes narrowed in irritation at my chose of words, annoyed at my reminder. We had yet to speak about resolving our physical differences. But we had time. We had the rest of our lives, however we chose to define them.

I reached out to smooth his hair away from his face, a gesture that I would happily repeat over and over. Part of it was the feel, the ability to touch him again, to enjoy the sensation of his cold skin and his hair between my fingers. I was also well aware that he liked it. I did too.

But instead of letting my hand follow its usual path, Edward gently grabbed it, turning it in his so that he could brush his lips gently along the sensitive skin of my wrist. Our physical contact was just as visceral as it had been that first time he touched me months and months ago. If anything, it had grown stronger with the realization that we were grounded in something deeper than pure physical attraction.

"'Til Thursday," Edward whispered. He leaned towards me slowly, his eyes holding mine as he gently kissed my lips. He didn't release my wrist, holding me securely against his cheek.

""Til Thursday," I promised. I didn't speak what sang through my heart. Until Thursday, and then I was his. I already was. I always had been.

Keeping thoughts of Edward at bay was not a simple task, but I soon found I didn't need to work as hard as I might have thought. He was like the prize waiting on the other side of the door. My motivation to push forward through finals. To get to Thursday.

He kept a constant vigil in subtle ways. The candle every night outside my window. Sprigs of holly or mistletoe on the sill every morning. Simple little reminders that I was always in his thoughts, just as he was in mine.

For six days, I focused on nothing but school and studying. By Thursday afternoon, I'd completed my final exams. My first semester of college was complete, and I was absolutely

exhausted. I left my classroom in a daze, wishing for a handful of simple things. Lying prone on a couch, something to eat, and Edward.

He stood, waiting patiently as I pushed through the double doors of the lecture hall. I shouldn't have been surprised to find him waiting; it probably felt interminably longer for him than it had for me. He was dressed like any other red blooded American college student; jeans and a snug t-shirt which peeked out from inside a jet black parka.

I stopped, watching as classmates passed him by. Girls staring and whispering, sending coy glances his way. He never looked at them. His eyes never left mine. To him, it was like no one else existed. Edward was waiting for me, and I was finally confident in what that meant.

Closing the distance between us, I dropped my backpack on the ground, quickly unzipped his parka and pulled it open. Before he could protest, I slipped my arms inside to wrap them around his waist. I knew the inside of his coat wouldn't be warm, but warmth wasn't what I was looking for. I took long, slow, deliberate breaths, inhaling the scent that I had missed so much.

Edward's arms wrapped around my shoulders, his coat encasing me like a cocoon. It allowed me to burrow in deeper, and I continued to breathe him in. Sweet and heady and intoxicating, it lulled me and energized me at the same time. This is exactly where I was meant to be.

"You are killing me; you realize that, don't you?" he whispered in my ear. "I don't see you for days, and this is how you greet me? How will I ever be able to stay away again?"

"Can you take me home, please? I am so tired, and I just want to be with you."

"More perfect words…" Edward whispered as he bent down, one arm sweeping my legs out from underneath me, the other still secure around my shoulders. I would have protested, but I didn't want to let go. And unlike the stubborn child I had been two years ago, I didn't care that people stared. Let them.

Edward scooped up my back pack and carried me to his car where he settled me safely in the passenger seat. My backpack was deposited in the backseat, next to a familiar looking duffle bag.

"I stopped to get some of your things. You are staying with us until you leave for Washington," he replied as he caught my surprised expression.

"How did you know I was going to Washington?" We'd not spoken of my holiday plans.

"Carlisle spoke to Charlie. He's having the house opened up. We'll be in Forks for Christmas too," Edward started the car and pulled out into the flow of traffic. "He didn't want Charlie to be concerned about strange people being seen on the property."

"But-" I started to protest, "you have everything set up here, you've already put everything together."

"They're just trappings, Bella. Haven't you figured out that you are more important than decorations or Christmas trees? We're all going to be together. That's how it's meant to be. I promised I wouldn't leave you again, and I won't. We won't."

"What about Rosalie's ice skating?"

"There are places to skate in Washington, Bella. She'll still get her fix."

I dropped my head back against the seat, watching out the side mirror as Hanover disappeared behind us. The concept of family and what they did for each other had always been such a mysterious, glamorous concept to me. Something I coveted, yet really never understood. To know that the Cullens would pick up and move their Christmas celebration across the country for me was nothing short of awe inspiring.

"We leave the same day as you do. Flights were full, so we are all taking different routes. Carlisle mentioned to Charlie that he's seen you, and that you and I have been in contact, so it shouldn't be too incredibly awkward for us to show up at the same time."

They thought of everything, the logistics, even the ramifications. It made me suddenly feel very small and insignificant. What could I do to reciprocate? They were moving their world for me.

Edward pulled off the road, onto a hidden drive that had been cleared of snow. It wound through the bare trees for roughly a mile before ending at a cliff over the Connecticut River.

"Come on, I know you are tired and hungry, but I want to talk for a little bit before we get to the house." He was out of the car, and around to my side in a flash, with a thick, soft fleece blanket.

Once I was safely wrapped in the warmth of the blanket, Edward scooped me up and sat me on

the hood of the car. The wind ruffled his hair, the glossy strands sweeping against his pale skin. I reached out, and he caught my hand before I could touch him.

"I want you. You realize that, don't you? Intellectually, emotionally-" he broke off, struggling to articulate his thoughts, "physically. It doesn't lessen. Our connection only grows stronger. There will _never_ be anyone else for me, only you. It's the nature of who I am, of my life. You need to realize that, Bella. This is forever for me. For our kind. No one else will ever touch this part of me."

Edward's lips trailed along the inside of my wrist, his icy lips burning my skin and sending my pulse racing. My life was exposed right there, one small nip and he could take it easily.

"Carlisle insists that we have souls. For a long time I believed that I'd lost mine. But as you once said, your soul is mine. What you've made me realize is that I do have one. You claimed it that day you walked into biology. I'd go to the ends of the earth for you, to be with you, to keep you with me."

"Edward, I-" his words rushed through me, confusing and intoxicating. I should be angry at him, stay angry. Everything he'd told me that day in the woods had been false. It was never in his nature not to want me, but he would do everything he could to protect me.

I had the perspective and understanding now to comprehend what he did and why. It wasn't just to protect me, it was to protect everyone. He denied his own nature for the sake of everyone else, making the ultimate sacrifice for all of us. It was a noble intention that had been fundamentally flawed and executed to disastrous effects.

"Let me finish, please," Edward insisted. "Do you still want this life? My life?"

When I didn't answer, he continued, "Are you willing to give up your family, your future? Think about it, Bella. No more Christmases with your father. No more spring break trips to visit your mother. They cease to exist. You have to cut ties, to move away."

His words, a cautionary probe into my intentions, crystallized so much of my previous actions. My move to Hanover had healed the old wounds, but it had also moved me further away from the anchors of my life. My fragile ties to my mother and father weakened as I set myself adrift. I'd thought it was my way of growing up, of standing on my own. But now I had to wonder if all my actions, all my choices, subconsciously prepared me for this.

"Will I maybe, someday, be able to finish school? Will I be strong enough to be around people?"

Edward frowned, confused by my question.

"I enjoy school. Well, I enjoy learning. And I know that you'll all teach me things, but I enjoy this too." I waved my free hand, a vague indication of Hanover, of Dartmouth. "Will I be strong enough someday to come back here? Or somewhere else?"

"I don't understand?" Edward's eyes searched my face, trying to follow my wandering string of logic.

"I hardly see my parents, Edward. I haven't seen Renee since May. Charlie was August. I've slowly been distancing myself. I love them, I always will, but my relationship with them exists through phone lines and the internet. I don't have to give that up. Yes, there will be considerations about my lack of aging when I do have the strength to be around them, but I have time before I need to worry about that. I can figure out a way to have both, it doesn't have to be… absolute."

Holding my arm up, I bent my hand back, exposing the tender skin of my wrist. Webs of blue veins were visible underneath the fragile tissue, the blood coursing through them, the very thing that separated us.

"This is my choice, my decision. I love my parents, and they love me. But you are my family. You are home. You're where I belong." I raised my wrist higher, directly into his line of sight. "I may give you this, but I won't lose myself. I need to know that there will still be a i_me/i_. Everything else I can figure out, but I won't lose that."

Edward's fingers traced along the faint lines of my wrist, never breaking my gaze.

"The simple fact that you worry about it tells you that you won't, Bella. You will be exactly who you want to be." His fingers continued to trace the blue lines that crisscrossed my wrist, cold against my inflamed skin.

"Good, then that's the end of that conversation. Let's enjoy now, this time together. We can revisit logistics in the spring." He tried to hide his smile at my use of the 'logistics' but it didn't work. I'd stated my intentions, and it made him happy. It made me happy too. "I want to finish one year here, simply because I can. Once we get to that point we can figure out what comes next. For now, let's just _be_."

He kissed my wrist one last time. "'Tis the season for rebirth. Come on, they're waiting for you."

By the time we got to the house, darkness had set in. I could see Carlisle standing in the gazebo, his arm around Esme. The flicker of the candlelight set off his blonde hair, making it appear like spun gold.

"Tonight's candle is the beginning of the final series. Peace. He fought for this, for you. Even more than Alice did. If it weren't for Carlisle…"

"Edward, what's done is done. We are good now; things are the way they are meant to be." I stood in the clearing for a moment, watching Carlisle and Esme as they stood arm and arm, oblivious to the world.

There had been four candles in the series.

Hope for what could be again.

Love of the people around us.

Joy at being together again.

And peace, forgiving what has passed so that we can have faith in the future. That faith culminated on Christmas morning in rebirth. Our lives had followed a parallel path, and we'd been reborn. We would never take that for granted again.

Edward smiled and led me into the house. I followed him willingly.

"Do you remember where the bathroom is, upstairs?"

When I nodded, he handed me my bag. "Go change into your pajamas and meet us in the great room. We have one more tradition, and I think you'll like this one in particular."

Edward gently nudged me towards the steps, "Alice picked up some food for you earlier, now go change."

Too worn out to protest, I climbed the steps to the guest bathroom I'd used my last visit and unzipped my bag.

"I'm too tired to fight," I called out, knowing he could hear me, "but we _will_ have a conversation about you going through my clothes. You'd better not have nicked any of my underwear."

Laughter rang through the house. Multiple voices; feminine and masculine. I loved the way it sounded, bringing the house alive. Filling it with love and happiness.

I quickly stripped out of my jeans and sweater, throwing on the flannel pants and waffle shirt, then pulled my hair back into a messy ponytail. Edward waited for me patiently in the hallway, having already changed into clothing similar to mine.

"What are you up to?" I asked, eying the flannel sleep pants incredulously. They were embroidered with small penguins holding martini glasses.

"Shhh…just enjoy it."

He placed a steaming mug in my hand and then gently scooped me up to carry down the hallway. Instead of protesting, I let my head fall against his chest. I felt warm and loved. I'd gone to long without that feeling, and I allowed myself to bask in it.

"Don't start the breathing thing again, we need to make it downstairs please," he instructed. There was a lightness in his tone that made me feel wonderful.

"Did I find a button?" I asked, the picture of innocence. I knew exactly what it did; I felt it too, but the way in which he joked was so free. I wanted to hold on to that.

"Someday you'll realize how much you play with fire around me," Edward responded quietly. His voice was husky, low. It wasn't a threat on my life. If I had to guess, it was more of a promise. "Someday, I am really going to enjoy showing you. But not tonight. We have other things to do."

He gently sat me down in the great room, his hand around my waist to stabilize me as he led me to the open end of the couch. Carlisle and Esme were curled up in a giant chair, a blanket casually wrapped around them. Jasper sat with his back against the fireplace with Alice's head propped in his lap. Emmett and Rose lay prone on the floor, Emmett's head resting on a stack of pillows, Rose curled into his side. They didn't need the comfort of pillows for padding or blankets for warmth; it was the sensation, the feelings it evoked. They might not be physically human, but their hearts and minds would always be.

"It's about time! Let's get this show on the road!" Emmett crowed as he hit play on the TV remote. Legal language filled the screen. "Sit down, drink your fake blood, and enjoy."

Edward sat on the couch, and gently pulled me down next to him. I curled my legs up underneath my body and took a sip of the steaming mug.

Tomato soup. Fake blood indeed.

The familiar music filled the room as the credits started to roll. For two hours, no one moved, no one spoke as the story of George Bailey, Bedford Falls, and Clarence, Angel Second Class filled the room.

I've seen _It's a Wonderful Life_ dozens of times. The innocence, the idealism, the simplicity had always been so striking to me. But somehow, in all the times I'd watched it, I'd never caught the big idea, the 'so what'.

As George wanders through the town, seeing the impact of his wish to 'never have been', he understands that life is better _because_ of his impact on it. My heart ached at the parallels, the reality as compared to fiction. Edward's words had been so similar when he left…_as if I never_ _existed_. The impact had been the same as George Bailey's. My life,_ our lives_, were richer

because of our connections, our relationships. We could survive anything, as long as we had each other. Very simply, we made each other better.

Edward's arms tightened around me as George ran through the town, shouting his greetings in his rush to get home. I understood exactly what he felt, the knowledge, the power of realization and the ability to correct those mistakes. It was never too late; we'd just needed a small push and willingness to believe.

As the closing credits began to roll, Jasper and Alice quietly got up and left the room hand in hand; Alice blew a kiss as she passed. Rosalie followed, a small smile on her face. It was the most I'd get from her, but it was a start. Emmett was next, stopping at the end of the couch to ruffle Edward's hair. Edward shook him off in irritation, but I could tell he secretly enjoyed it.

Esme flipped off the end table light and climbed out of her chair. She slipped in between the couch and the coffee table to smooth out Edward's hair and placed a quick kiss on the top of my head.

Carlisle stood next her, a smile on his face.

"Here's a toast to Carlisle Cullen," I paraphrased the line from memory, "my personal Clarence. The richest man in town."

His smile grew, and I swear, if it were possible, he would have had tears in his eyes.

"I am now, Bella. I am now."

He dropped a hand on Edward's shoulder as he moved past us.

"Attaboy, Clarence," I whispered. It was all that needed to be said.

With everyone out of the room, and the lights off, we were left with the fading embers of the fire and the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree. Edward pulled the blanket in tighter around me and slid me into his lap.

"I know you are thinking it," he chided me as I buried my head in his neck. "Don't-"

I took a long, deep breath and laughed.

"-do it."

I kissed his neck, just a small quick peck against the spot where, in his human life, his pulse would have hammered. I felt him shudder against me.

"I thought you couldn't read my mind, Edward Cullen," I whispered, enjoying the sound of his

ragged breathing.

"I don't need to read your mind. I know you. That's what counts."

He lifted me carefully, shifting so that we could stretch out on the couch, my head easily coming to rest against his chest. The blanket wrapped safely around me to keep me warm. I let my hands explore, tracing the lines of his face and neck as the fire cracked and popped behind us.

"It took us a while to get here, but we're here now, Edward. It's going to be a wonderful life. I just know it."

It was the truth. I'd put myself back together after he left. I could have survived without him or the rest of the Cullens if they had never come back. And I would have been okay. But my life was better, richer with him. With all of them.

Our future lay stretched out before us. Ours to craft and guide as we saw fit. There would be hard choices, and it wouldn't always be perfect, but so long as there was hope, love, joy, and peace, we could never go wrong.

**.**


End file.
